Compatibility
|
Harsh words, hurting comments, tears and flying household objects - for sure, no one ever wanted that to be the everyday routine when deciding to live together with the beloved person. Yet, why is this such a common picture, portrayed even in many Hollywood dramas?
Two people meet, they fall in love - that happens, in a multitude of different ways, thousands of times all over the world. Then, if they're lucky and everything goes well, they decide that since they love each other so much, they want to stay together and share a home.
Now, for married as well as unmarried couples, they have to adjust to a new situation: Every-day-life decisions depend on two people's opinions, preferences and wishes instead of one before.
In single life, one's the only instance of decision on what party to go to, when to clean the place, what to wear, what to eat and where to go on holiday. For a divorced person, especially with children, a lot of responsibilities are added. A single parent has to be mother, father and breadwinner, has to take care of education, the children's need for love and all other problems occurring. These responsibilities, if mastered, as well as the comparably easy life of a single person, bring a lot of independence.
And this independence, being an advantage in the situations described above, can turn into a problem when it comes to living together. Suddenly, decisions need to be agreed upon by both parties, and compromises have to be made. Especially in the first time of living together, those incompatibilities can lead to the actions described above.
In the adjustment period, both need to be aware of those possible dangers and respect each other's difficulties in getting along with the new situation. Otherwise, the feeling of love and closeness that originated the wish to live together is bit by bit replaced with a feeling of rejection.
The natural reaction on being criticized, misunderstood or in any other way "attacked" is to defend oneself. If you're used to make decisions alone, without considering another, maybe diverging opinion, you might feel attacked when your partner doesn't share your line of thoughts or wishes. The worst, but unfortunately most common, because instinctively made, reaction is to "fight back".
For example: You want to go to a party. Your partner wants to go out for dinner. So your initial feeling is being "attacked": Why does your partner reject your proposal, what's wrong with it? So the instinctive reaction, from a feeling of frustration and defiance, is to "fight back": A sharp remark, pointed at the partner's proposal and aimed to hurt, seems to be the appropriate reply.
Even if no further fight is following that situation, the feeling remains and the bond between you is weakened. Now, no one would break up because of such a little fight. But it's damaging the bond between you, even just a little bit. And maybe in some years, when responsibilities like an own house and children tie you together, you'll find that the constant damage of these little incompatibilities have left you wondering what made you being together in the first place.
The hideous about this process is that it works so slowly. Human beings have an astonishing ability to get used to situations and, no matter how bad things might actually be, accept them sooner or later as normal. So out of pure habit, we tolerate the incompatibilities we have to build a wall between us instead of stopping, sitting down and sorting things out. When some years of low-level fighting (not bad enough to make you break up, but bad enough to slowly poison your relationship) have passed, it's nearly impossible to fix the damage done and to erase the barriers that have hardened over the time.
In order to avoid a situation where the only alternatives are professional advice or divorce, some guidelines can help keeping things from going that far to the bad side.
Control yourself. By observing your reactions and the resulting tension between you and your partner, you'll be able to easily isolate the kind of feeling that makes you react sharp and hurting. So once you know where your weakness lies, keep yourself from reacting immediately upon those triggers. Think twice, and consider if your ego (nothing else you're pleasing with a sharp reply) is worth hurting your beloved one. In most situations, a second of silence is enough to make you regret the answer you would have given. Don't get it wrong, it doesn't mean you always have to step back. There are situations when a confrontation is necessary - you just have to learn how to distinguish them.
Reflect on your words. Imagine the same situation, just with exchanged roles. Of course, you have to be so fair to admit if you would be hurt in your partner's place. Now that you imagined the impact your reaction would have on yourself, think twice again if it's worth it.
Stay cool. The worst things are said and done in anger. If you focus on what you want to achieve, there is mostly a better way than a violent verbal or even physical reaction. Or do you really think that your partner would give in to you shouting, and even be happy with that?
Be ready to share responsibility. Especially for single parents, it's difficult to get used to trusting someone else again. But without trust, your relationship won't last.
Be realistic. When you move together with another person, that means that your way of life will radically change. Your indepence will be replaced by interdependence: You'll be less on your own, but mostly with our partner. You'll spend less time with our friends and more time together. In result, you'll have to compromise on what you're going to do with your time - the more your interests diverge, the tougher it'll be to find acceptable compromises.
Consider this carefully, and if you think that you're not ready for it, tell your partner - before it's too late.
Brigette Meier is an occassional author for http://www.e-nterests.com - visit the site for more interesting articles.
|
|
|
Choosing An Online Dating Service
The task of choosing the best dating site to join can seem daunting at first with the thousands of possibilities out there. Yet making that choice is perhaps easier than you think. By following these few simple steps you can quickly narrow down your choices.1. Your locationThis is the first and most important step. Many users make the mistake of picking the first dating site that appears in the search results.For example if you live in the UK then choose a site that specialises in UK dating, if you live in the USA choose an American based dating service.Unless you are specifically interested in meeting foreign singles be wary of international dating websites - you may find many of their "2 million singles" are from Eastern Euro...(related: Dating)
The Magic Of Flirting
Flirting is the way most people determine whether or not a member of the opposite sex is interested in them. Following is a quick outline on how you should go about the complex, sometimes fun, sometimes not so fun, task of flirting. It all beings with your approach.The ApproachOne person approaches the other. They move into closer physical proximit...(related: Dating)
Dress For Dating Success: Clothes To Attract The Man Of Your Dreams
In order to attract the man of your dreams, it helps to dress in a way that honors your beautiful body. When I use the word "honor," I don't mean you should dress like a nun or hide yourself in an ankle-length skirt and a turtleneck.But you should wear only clothes that make the best of your unique shape. Too many fleshy women (and there are lots of men who prefer robust females over skimpier lasses) are currently wandering the planet in low-rise jeans and tank tops, which results in a phenomenon known as "muffin top." In other words, they're walking around with a wedge of flab over their waistbands. Not a good look.Before you hop on whatever trend they're pushing in InStyle magazine, ask yourself if the look works for you and your beautiful body. I once read an interv...(related: Dating)
Guys, Do Your Pickup Lines Always Get Met With Turn Downs?
It's unbelievable how many guys have this problem!I mean, you finally got the courage to walk up to that beautiful girl and tell her a pickup line that you thought sounded amazing and instead of her falling all over you, she acts cool and distant.And basically tells you to get lost. Sound familiar?If it does then you are one of the many men who haven't a clue what women want to hear when they first meet a new guy. And you obviously need some coaching with your pickup lines.Being a reasonably attractive woman mys...(related: Dating)
E-matchmaking: Can A Computer Program Find Love For You?
I logged on to a dating site the other day and was greeted by a large, flashing message. It promised that if I took the time to answer a series of questions that they would find a "perfect match" for me. Imagine that? All the work and worry of being single - gone! We truly have evolved! Not only can computer programs manage the entire traffic system of a city and make chess grandmasters cry, but now they can lead my perfect match right to my...(related: Dating)
Why Date Someone You Wouldnt Have As Your Friend?
Sometimes in dating we so often settle for people that we would not normally have as friends? Why is that? Does the desire to be in a relationship outweigh our standard...(related: Dating)
90% Of Your Dating Issues Solved!
A friend of mine recently exclaimed, "Dating is so complicated!" I thought about it for a moment and realized, "No it's not!" It's actually very simple if you follow two principles that will solve 90% of your romantic issues. Let's begin.You meet someone. You're attracted to them. They're attracted to you. You start dating. Now, I know it...(related: Dating)
Dating Sites For You And Me
Have you seen a dating site? Would you want to see one? How many people have met their loved-ones through chatrooms and online dating? Introducing DATING SITES. The known region and favorite stops of internet junkie...(related: Dating)
Who Says Online Datings Only For Losers?
I let that friend talk me into browsing some pictures on one of the more popular dating sites. I had to say, there were some pretty dece...(related: Dating)
Tips For Creating A Successful Personal Online Dating Profile
Your profile is the key to meeting your perfect match at online dating and personals services so it's surprising that many profiles are mediocre at best. Wit...(related: Dating)
Say My Name
Surely you remember that famous line from American Pie, when the band geek says to Jim, "Say my name, Bi*ch!" And Jim squeaks back, "Michelle! Michelle!" Well, take heed, fellows. That band geek was asking for what many of us ladies want to hear, and not just in the heat of the moment.If there's a special girl out there wh...(related: Dating)
The Final Solution To Dating
I run a blog where I discuss the topic of the many games people play in the dating arena. I've posted hundreds of articles, many of which point out many of these troubles. Even if you haven't read the blog, you probably are aware of some of these schemes. While I wish it were easy to sum everything up into one neat, overlying problem, it's not that simple. Let me point out just a few of the issues.For one, there's a definite lack of respect in dating nowadays. People don't even care about their partners enough to treat them as they ...(related: Dating)
What To Put On A Dating Site Profile And What To Leave Out
Your dating site profile is the most important tool you have to find love online-and fast. It's the identity that you put forward to other online daters, it's what people see when they're looking for people like you and it's all you've got to make a first impression and pull in the proposals.It's not an exaggeration to say that all that lies between you and the end of your single days is the skill with which you complete your profile.The kind of information that you'll be asked to reveal about yourself will vary from service to service. Dating sites put a huge amount of effort into coming up with the right questions to make matching easy without putting off new members. Some sites for example, will ask you to tick just a ...(related: Dating)
site-map - Copyright © 2006 | Contact Webmaster | All Rights Reserved. | Dating